the four right chords can make me cry

commute.
so soul-less, the same-ness. droves and droves of drones.
shuffle jostle shuffle jostle.
the clack of high heels is all you hear.
i was terrified.

Worked from 9-6 today, then went to give tuition. Work was draining sia... called over 80 companies after lunch. But giving tuition refreshed me, I like teaching the kid, she's a sweet kid.

Hi enai, i'm sorry sabah is boring. Singapore is boring too.

a non-exhaustive list of things i wanna do before school starts
1) Watch my candle burn till the end
2) Finish at least one more book
3) Go for chocolate buffet with Cat
4) Cut my hair?
5) Go shopping
6) Watch movies
7) Listen to my music
8) Play some piano and guitar
9) Write letters to people i've been meaning to write letters to for like the past 3 years
10) Watch the sun go down at the beach
11) Watch the sun go down from some place high up (maybe the top of a block of flats?)
12) Get new flats for school
13) Go for a picnic!
14) Watch the yellow submarie AGAIN
15) Go for a personal retreat
16) Do something creative (draw something or write a song)
17) Get wet giving the dog a bath on a sunny afternoon
18) Walk in the rain
19) Take a long hot soak in the bathtub
20) Cook something for the family (hopefully edible)

ambitious no?

posted by beckyboo @ 10:54 PM 3 comments

in a nutshell

church camp was good.
science camp was fun.
yes, i am tired.
no, i WOULD do it all over again.
busy, will put up schedule soon as i figure out how.

i missed my dog!

posted by beckyboo @ 12:31 AM 0 comments

Be gone till June 25! Be good everyone. : )

posted by beckyboo @ 5:47 AM 0 comments

oh crap.

barely a month into this and i've gone and done it. sorry timo, i've already spoilt the clie you gave me. shiiiiit. i tossed it on my bed last night, must have bounced off and landed on the floor, cos thats where i found it this morning, with a nice corner of congealed purple LCD blood on the screen. argh! feel damn bad!!!

in addition, i managed a very spectacular bike falling yesterday. Thankfully, I was not ON the bike when this happened. (a 400cc bike is not a small thing). I was opening the monokey to take out my helmet and the bike just keeled over on its side, crashing to the ground. it also took out the dustbin, which tumbled into the drain. it all happened so fast. it was very loud and dramatic. like i was telling serene, i strongly suspect my life is a tragi-comedy. but then again, i think i'm more a monthy python, or at least, thats what i hope i am (minus the lewdity).

i also finally fell down at macritchie. knew it had to happen sooner or later. I'd finished the first half, turned back already and was conquering the first uphill. I'd reached the top, feeling good, mentally, i went, yay! then i fell down. tripped on a root. hoot. more muddy than injured really, it was just a graze on both knees. but the impact was pretty nasty, being a gravelly slope and all.

so all i have to show for my blunderbuss-ness is, two scraped knees, a dink in the bike's fuel tank, and a spoilt clie. champion.

posted by beckyboo @ 10:28 AM 0 comments

yup! glad you like it =)

this one was written some time ago, but i tweaked it a bit to reflect changes.

anymore
an attempt at poetry by becky

I regret its come to this
Call me selfish, insecure
but I was wrong
you, you are perfect, a
perfect stranger
still
i know the value
and i want this to end
to mend
ball
is in your court
but i know
you're too busy to play games
anymore.

posted by beckyboo @ 2:55 AM 1 comments

open your eyes
and let consciousness abduct you
once more
as you are dragged back into the
where what when and why
but worst of all the
now.

open your eyes
and you are standing in a battlefield
everyone is
fighting in valiant skirmishes
wounded and blind and bleeding
and the enemy is
yourself.

open your eyes
and consider opening your heart
to friends
who beneath the fractured masks
are frail needy and hurting
but your heart is broken
too.

posted by beckyboo @ 10:48 AM 0 comments

cleaned my desk today.
this is the watch i saw at mustafa that day!
they got some nice bags.
have been watching naruto.

posted by beckyboo @ 12:59 AM 0 comments

introduction:
if i were to attempt to capture
how i'm feeling with a single word
blob
would do nicely.

body:
have been following the debate over giving maids 4 days off a month. I'm appalled. Singaporeans are disgusting. The way they talk about maids! There is this underlying assumption that they are inferior, that being treated like a slave here is infinetly better than the life they would have back home. Saying they would "get into trouble" if given too many off days. Translated: "It is right and good for me to impose on another person's liberty, especially if they are maids, cos maids arent really people, they can be bought like pets from glass displays, what. besides, they're lazy and full of mischief, they're all of the same ilk, and we must treat them harshly even if they've not given us any reason to think that they are actually lazy and full of mischief. you know, i had a friend who's maid stole all her money and then got pregnant and... blahblahblah" The scariest part is that these people actually think they're right. Even in the more moderate(ie. less overwhelmingly stupid) letters to the editor, there is this sickening self-centeredness and blind and irrational prejudice, no, BIGOTRY. The way i see some kids scold their maids in public, no doubt modelled on bad behaviour from their parents, don't even think about getting the parents to correct them. No respect at all for another human being! So degrading! Some times i'd just like to go up there and let them have a piece of my mind, but it wont change them. Louts! Just 4 days off a month, we already complain about infringement of the 5-day work week thingy. Would you even dare say that to your housewife mum? No you lazy bugger! You only get one day off per month, and that's only because the law says so! (Keeping in mind that many maids are in fact mothers to children of their own in their respective countries) SICKENING! This is the absolutely most disgusting thing about Singaporeans, their selfishness! URGH!

conclusion:
yes, i am random.

posted by beckyboo @ 12:27 AM 0 comments

Thank you.

to everyone who prayed for me.
to everyone who messaged me.
to hozzy who was there in person.
to jeanette and pye who called me all the way from the states.
to enai for just listening to me cry across the atlantic (or pacific?) ocean.
to pye who really surprised and blessed me.

i failed my driving test.

felt absolutely crappy. veryveryveryveryvery frustrated. to try and fail and try and fail and try and fail. i have never felt so defeated before. but so much easier to get over this time because of the many people who showed me they cared. i don't want to think about it, talk about it anymore. But i really want to thank all these people who made a difference.

and i want to thank God, who is good.

for giving me friends who love me more than i deserve.
for giving me tears as a very efficient emotion-release system.
for comforting me when i retreat into the private world of pain where no one else can reach me. (eh, so drama.)
for a chance to try again.

posted by beckyboo @ 5:01 PM 4 comments

tired frustrated weak scared alone neglected
but you could never tell
just
go away

posted by beckyboo @ 1:13 AM

human frailty.
went out for lunch with my gran today. she's looking better, healthier. but walking is still difficult, and she got so tired out today. i don't consider myself a hurried person, but really had to slow down so much walking with my gran. and the contrast is heighted in comparison to the orchard road throng. she doesn't have an appetite, but she ordered so much at crystal jade, and made me finish everything! (grandmas can make people do anything) duck and chicken porridge (she only took a few spoons), cha siew sou (i had to eat 2), chee cheong fun (i had to eat 2.5 out of 3 tiaos), carrot cake (2.5/3), and MUSHROOMS (yummo!). i know she wanted some ice cream, but cant eat much cos she's diabetic, so she bought me one even though i protested that i was too full already, and took one spoon from me. met my friend jingyin at robinson's! haha so cool, somehow i always meet her when i'm out, this is already the 3rd or 4th time.

daddy sent me to tuiton on his motorbike. ah... i remember now why i like bikes so much. had this most ridiculous huge grin plastered on my face the whole way. no other mode of transport for me! My dream is to bike from singapore all the way to thailand, right up north at chiang mai. i've bugged darren to go with me. I plan to go after i graduate, he'll finish poly by that time too, get two big tourers (africa twin, if we got the cash!). Thinking about it makes me smile. I want my exhaust burns, dusty nights of gruelling travel, getting lost and stranded. yeah.

you could start me off in the right direction, buy me a helmet, a guidebook, gloves, saddlebags, moto-lessons, a bike? hahahah.... goal 2008!

posted by beckyboo @ 11:53 PM 0 comments

Things that changed in the short 4 days i was away at camp
1) They bought a new housephone.
2) My dad bought a motorbike.
3) Someone cleaned up my room! ARGH! I hate it when they do that!!! Now everything is where its not supposed to be! FRUSTRATING! And the most annoying part of all: while they messed up all my stuff, they failed to do the one thing i would have appreciated; get rid of that dead moth! it's STILL on my desk! ARGH!
4) Me.

LPC was abundant.
Never prayed so much, took a little getting used to, but i'm convinced of the need to pray more. So abundantly good to be among God's people, seeking Him together, there's just something so right about it, can feel it somewhere in my gut. Which reminds me, food was copious too.
The call is for depth.
Deep and authentic relationships with God and Man. That resonates with me.
Dr Loo is funny.
and that is an understatement. More than that, was really challenged by what he said, about what we should really value in this life, the question of what was God's ultimate plan when He created the world and how we can align with it etc.

but after LPC something trivial triggered off a wave of frustration (no it wasnt the table, although it did contribute). and all the things that have been simmering under the surface suddenly seized the opportunity and rose to the surface for air. Even a long spell of sleep only lessened it. And sunday found me wanting someone to talk to but not wanting to talk to anyone. So I didn't.

but i'm ok now. so let's not talk about this anymore.

Had a lot of thoughts about running after Uncle William's message on Heb 12:1-2 "Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us. Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."
Today I learnt what it was to have someone run alongside you. It really makes all the difference for me. Someone to pace you, someone to encourage you, someone to make you run faster than you would on your own. Like Dan said, running is actually a mental thing. You gotta pysche yourself up for it, not let yourself give up. If prayer is like breathing, and life is like a race, then we must pray really hard. And running is a lot like life, when you chiong up one slope so that you don't lose momentum, sometimes, it's just another slope ahead. But if you let yourself get discouraged, then you're gonna start walking, and once you start walking, it's almost impossible to start running again. Made me think about my role as CGL next year, to run alongside people, to lift the fallen and encourage those who have given up. And all the while praying (panting) like mad.

posted by beckyboo @ 12:00 AM 0 comments